I’m so grateful to my other children that give her such loving grace. They are so accepting of how her anger manifests. I understand that she has a condition that makes her big emotions feel uncontrollable. We make the environment safe for everyone while she gets her anger out and then the healing can begin. My children lovingly accept this and wait patiently in their rooms for their sister to come to a peaceful state of being.

Enduring this is hard. I have been part of support groups for situations like this. They did not support me the way I wanted. They supported each other in being angry at their child and the life they chose when they adopted them and there was constant conversation about annulling their adoptions and being rid of these children. That was not what I wanted. I wanted to find helpful tips to keep everyone safe, to help find ways to help my child through these big emotions, not to get tips on ending my adoption to my hurting child.

I made a promise to myself that I would never give up on us. I am positive that I made that very same promise to my children in Heaven before we came down to this earth. I would not give up trying to get them in our family and I would not give up on them once they became a part of our family. This is what kept me going when I was struggling the most with how to help my children with their physical and mental struggles that they have been given.

I stopped participating in those support groups. It wasn’t good for me. Instead, I prayed for answers. I listened for inspiration. We were able to come up with a system that gave the household a feeling of safety and security when things get intense. Because of this, she was able to recognize that no matter what happened, we all still love her. We gave her the space to get out her big emotions however that needed to be. I would stay with her the entire time. When she was done, we would embrace, and I would tell her that I love her. She would cry and feel sorry. But she would know that I spoke the truth to her. I truly love her. Even the hard stuff.

How often do you feel this way with Heavenly Father? You are so angry that you say the most hateful things to Him? You feel terrible afterwards. You know what? He still loves you. His love is so perfect that we can’t even comprehend. I think of how perfectly He loves us as I reflect on the type of parent I want to be. It helps me to parent in a better way. A much humbler way.

Not long after this happened yesterday, another daughter started sobbing over a peanut butter sandwich. I knew something was wrong. These emotions weren’t because of a sandwich that she didn’t want to eat. This daughter is very quiet about her feelings. I took her outside, it was a beautiful day yesterday, and told her that I needed her to tell me everything she was feeling. Even if she is angry at me, just get it out.

She started talking about the sandwich. All of the ways that it was disgusting to her. I told her that the tears and emotions she was feeling were not because of the sandwich. We needed to find out what was truly upsetting her. I asked her if she wanted me to hug her. I always ask her first. She said yes and we got more comfortable together so I could hold her as she tried to figure out these big feelings.

Finally, she said that she didn’t want to go to her piano recital. She started piano lessons this year and I am so excited for her. She is very talented, and I love that she has the most amazing piano teacher. A woman that will teach her to become an even more talented musician. This was her first piano recital. She was so nervous. She had been dreading this since she found out about it. My sweet girl is not comfortable being in the spotlight. So much so, that she was sobbing at lunch and didn’t even understand why.

Once we understood what her big emotions were about, we could talk about it in a very intentional way. I told her that I get super nervous when I have to do things in front of people too. The day before, we sang in church as a family. This was not my choice. At all. My husband said yes and of course, I knew that I would do it. I didn’t have to like it, but I would do it. I had my wonderful friend, my daughter’s piano teacher, play the piano for us. I trust her to make it sound beautiful when my nerves make me a little tone deaf. When it was all over, I was so very glad that we did it.

I asked my daughter if she could tell that I was nervous. She said no. I told her that it was because I spent years practicing how to endure my anxiety before doing anything difficult. I still don’t love putting myself out of my comfort zone. But I do have the tools I need to get through these difficult situations. I shared some of these tricks with her. We decided that she would sit by me the entire time before she performed and together, we would get through it.

She was playing two duets with her piano teacher. I told her that she has the best person to be by her side when she plays for the audience. I trust this woman to make everything musical more beautiful. And by having her teacher as her partner in the duet, my daughter can feel peaceful as they do it together. I told her that is why I wanted her to play the piano for us as we sang in church. I trust her so much.

At the end of the day, everyone was in a much better place emotionally. There was love all around. At the suggestion of my dear friend, we ended our day sharing our best moment of the day and our hardest moment of the day. My feisty one said that her best moment was crying in my arms. My quiet daughter said that her best moment was the piano recital. Her hardest moment was also the piano recital.

I loved that she said that. How many times do we find that some of the most challenging moments in our lives are also some of the most rewarding? I find this is the case in my life very often. One of my mantras is “I can do hard things”. Last year, the youth theme of our church was: I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Philippians 4:13)

I had this mantra for years not even knowing that there was a scripture tying my desire to do hard things to Jesus Christ. Of course, I can do hard things! He strengthens me the entire time I am trying. If I have the desire to do hard things, He will help me do them. He can help you too.

This last part I write to the mothers of children with big needs. This is not exclusive to Special needs moms. Big needs children are children that just need more attention and loving care. They have a bigger need for love, encouragement, support and a safe environment to feel safe to show up as they are while they endure the trials of this life. You are their safe place. This can be hard because being that safe place means that you will bear the brunt of the heavy stuff. Endure it with prayer. He will help you to see them as a child of God. He loves them dearly. He knew that He could trust them to you to care for them.

He also gave us agency to choose. We get to choose how we show up for them. You will have hard days. You will have days where you don’t know how you can endure anymore of this. You will show up in ways that you don’t like. Don’t give up. Give yourself grace. Your child has the ability to give you grace too. Through Jesus Christ, ALL things are possible. Even loving someone that is hard to love. He can heal you both. He can heal the hard feelings. He can heal the big hurts. He can heal the damage. All of it will be healed with love. I know this. I live this every day. I choose it because I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.