I’m sorry it has been so long since I have posted. God has new things that He wants for me to be working on. I will still post, but not as frequently. If you would like, feel free to follow my on Instagram @kistamarker.

He has asked me to be more present on social media and I am figuring things out as I go. I also have the podcast that is beginning to come together. God has put such amazing things in my heart and I am excited to get them going so that I can share with you.

I was asked to speak in church this last Sunday about Having Patience with Ourselves. I learned some amazing things as I worked on this talk with the Spirit and I would love to share with you. Let me know your thoughts!

Good morning. I was asked to speak on having patience with ourselves and how patience is a divine virtue. What is a divine virtue? Google defines it as referring to qualities of moral and spiritual experience.

I wanted to share a quote from a talk President Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave in 2010 back when he was the 2^nd counselor in the First Presidency. This talk is titled, “Continue in Patience”. I fondly remember this talk as the one where he describes an experiment where several different 4-yr old children see how long they could wait before eating a marshmallow. If they could wait 15 minutes, they would be rewarded with another marshmallow. There was a video that was made from this talk and it was fun to see how the children experienced waiting 15 minutes – which to a 4-yr old would seem like eternity itself.

The shocking/not shocking results were that only 30% of the children were able to wait. Can you relate to this? I know I can. God has been working on patience with me for a very long time.

President Uchtdorf said, “There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring.”  I love how he uses the word ‘active’. Just like faith is an action, let us think about the waiting and enduring as actions. He goes on to say, “It means staying with something and doing all that we can – working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!”

Do I endure well? I am learning to do this. One trial at a time. Have I endured well in the past? My immediate thought, is no. Looking back on the trials in life, sometimes with disappointment in myself for how I endured those trials, and sometimes with surprise at how decent my efforts were at enduring better than I thought.

Today, I will share some personal experiences, I’ll touch on some experiences of those from the scriptures, and I have a few hidden easter eggs from General Conference if you are really on your Conference game.

I realized that having patience for myself is not enough, I will talk about patience for myself, God’s patience for me, patience for others, and patience in the circumstances of life. I have come to realize that learning patience in each of these categories will be a lifelong process. And that is okay. I’m here for it.

One concept that helped me have patience with “learning Patience” is the “Opposition in all things” that Lehi teaches as he speaks with Jacob before he dies. In 2 Nephi Chapter 2 verse 11 it says: “For is must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things, If not… righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one…”

There is a purpose to opposition. When we are learning patience, whether with ourselves, our loved ones, or the circumstances of our lives, we are growing. I know it doesn’t feel like that. Sometimes it is only years later that we can see that growth. Whether we endured well, or not even close to good, we are experiencing growth of some sort.

It is exactly the “opposition in all things” that helped me to feel the Spirit again so strongly after walking away from church and living in darkness. And oh, how dark it was. I will always fight the good fight to stay in the light rather than experience that loss of light again. The opposite of the light and the darkness is very real.

Parents, when your child wanders from the path, do not despair. God has them. He had them before you had them and He has them now. Everything they are experiencing will be consecrated for their good. Trust Him and love them.  

Without trials we wouldn’t be able see and understand the blessings of our surplus in the times of abundance. When I am hard on myself, sometimes the Spirit brings to my mind the good that I did do. My reflection would be, “Why couldn’t I do more service when I didn’t have kids and I was wallowing in grief and depression because of that circumstance?” Then the Spirit showed me that I went to the Temple, I served at Safe Harbor, mourned with those that mourned and lifted burdens. It is just hard to see that when the overwhelming theme during that time was grief and depression.

The Spirit also helped me to understand that this was a time of proving, growing, stretching, and experiencing. Elder Eyre said, “The adversary will always try to label us by our weaknesses.” I believe this also includes our biggest trials and weakest moments in life.

Without opposition, I wouldn’t know the difference between becoming weary in well doing and remembering the loneliness of life when there wasn’t as much well to do.  God reminds me of the days when I wished for what I have now and only then am I able to count my blessings and have the strength to continue on.

One of my favorite scriptures is in Ether Chapter 12 verse 27:  

“And if men COME UNTO ME I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto mean weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before

 me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

I want to share some people from the scriptures that God had patience with, and in turn, they learned to develop this Divine Virtue for themselves.

God met Moses where he was at and gave him a spokesman but Moses also had to learn to be a leader. He got overwhelmed with leading the people even telling God that he would prefer death over continuing to lead them. God worked with Moses in patience too.

So much so that when the Israelites were making, worshiping, and sacrificing to a molten calf that they made; God said to Moses, “Moses, I have seen this people, and behold, it is a stiffnecked people: Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation.” (Exodus 32:9-10, KJV)

But… Moses besought the Lord to not destroy the people. Besought means earnestly ask for something with a deep sense of urgency or desperation. Moses reminded the Lord of all that the Lord had done to bring forth these people with great power and a mighty hand, and called on the Lord to repent from His fierce wrath and to remember His covenant to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

And the Lord repented. My friends, what does this tell us about the divinity of patience, repentance, and forgiveness?

Another example I love from Moses, who was so weary that his father-in-law, Jethro saw what he couldn’t see. Moses needed more help because he would “surely wear away” with the responsibilities he had taken upon himself. Jethro gently encourages Moses to teach the people the ordinances and laws, show them the way they must walk, the work they must do, to call good, righteous men to be rulers over and judge the people in his stead. In short, delegate your responsibility, for the Lord never intended for us to do this great work alone.

I would love to read Jethro’s words to you incase you need to hear them like I needed to hear them:

Exodus chapter 18 verses 17-18

“And Moses’ father-in-law said unto him, “The thing that thou doest is not good. Thou wilt surely wear away, both thou, and this people that is with thee: for this thing is too heavy for thee; thou art not able to perform it thyself alone.”

I love Jethro’s wisdom. God gives us a village. Who is in your village. Look around this room. We are a village. And it is an amazing village! For example, when you forgot that it was your morning to pick kids up from seminary and drive them to school and the Seminary teacher picks up your slack and takes them all instead. Thank you Sister ______, you are amazing!

This is another scripture that I love, Doctrine & Covenants Section 64 verse 33: “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

Remember what Sister Lawson said before she was transferred, Chancellor Ward is small, but we are mighty!

2 Nephi 3:8 is a prophesy about Joseph Smith and the restoration. It says:

“And I will give unto him a commandment that he shall do none other work, save the work which I shall command him. And I will make him great in mine eyes; for he shall do my work.”

Joseph was a barely educated farm boy. He was fourteen when he had the First Vision. But He had faith and he learned to be obedient. I have no doubt that learning obedience, also came with learning patience.  He learned these attributes over many trials, tribulations, and persecutions. God had patience with His son as he learned to be a leader and eventually the prophet of the Restoration of His gospel.

Remember that God has patience with you as you learn and grow to realize your divine purpose as well. Of course He does! We don’t remember who we are, but He knows who we are.

One of my favorite stories of Joseph showing love and patience is when William W. Phelps came back after slandering the church for over a year. Joseph welcomed him back with open arms saying, “Believing your confession to be real, and your repentance genuine, I shall be happy once again to give you the right hand of fellowship, and rejoice over the returning Prodigal. Come on, dear brother, since the war is past, for friends at first, are friends again at last”.

Wow. W. W. Phelps’s opposition to the church had severe consequences for the Saints and his statements contributed to the state of Missouri’s perception that the Saints were a rebellious and dangerous group.

Joseph freely, and lovingly forgave him and welcomed him back into the church with open arms. Together, they endured the hardships of the consequences of Phelp’s actions taken in anger.  We have all experienced hurts from others, whether intentional or unintentional. Jospeh’s example of forgiveness in this circumstance gives me the desire to be better about forgiving and extending patience to others.

Phelps went on to write the Hymn Praise to the Man which we will sing today.

Let’s talk about Martin Harris. I need to be patient with Martin Harris sometimes. But even though he often made big mistakes, he always ended up doing the right thing. He even got to see Angel Moroni.

Repentance is real! It is powerful, and it is instant and complete forgiveness.

Moving on to Laman and Lemuel. I often wonder how could they see all that they saw, felt, and experienced only to keep turning away from God in their pride.

Alma 12:10-11 says, “He that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word… until they know nothing concerning His mysteries; and then they are taken captive by the devil, and led by his will down to destruction.”

Did this not happen with Laman and Lemuel, they hardened their hearts and forgot all of His miracles as Satan led them down to destruction. I ask you, who is it more natural to be like? Nephi or Laman and Lemuel. This is something that I ponder on often. Laman and Lemuel seem more relatable on a daily basis, but remember, even Nephi prayed to the Lord after hearing they must leave Jerusalem for his own confirmation and because of this, he got to see the Lord and know that what his father saw is true. His heart was softened. Do you know what that means? He had doubts too!

Iif you relate more to Laman and Lemuel, take heart, Nephi became who he was because He did not give up. He did not take even the word of his own father without taking it to the Lord to get his own confirmation. And wow. Did he get a confirmation! The Lord himself came to tell him.

It is fine to have doubts and questions, but take them to the Lord. He will show you the way through them or give you peace until you are able to find the answer for yourself.

There is something I have been pondering on for almost a year now. This thing I was wondering about is not a doctrine that I can find anywhere. I was worried I was making things up and I did not want to do that, it felt a little dangerous to me.

I finally went to the Lord in prayer. I was specific and told Heavenly Father what I thought something meant and if I could somehow get confirmation because as far as I can tell, it isn’t in the scriptures or any teachings from the leaders of the church.

The last Friday in August, James and I went to the temple and did Sealings. It was in the sealing room that I received my confirmation. I then understood that the answer to my question could only be found in the temple itself.

Did it answer all of my questions? Nope. And you know what, I am ok with that. Because, here a little, there a little, God has shown me the way to find my answers. I can see the beauty in having patience with the Lord, as He refines me in His gospel truths that I seek to know and understand.

I testify that God does answer us today. He wants us to do some leg work. He also won’t give us answers that we aren’t ready for. This is really important to know and understand. This has everything to do with patience.

There is a spiritual gift that I so desperately wanted. I prayed and prayed. I looked for my miracle and yet, it wouldn’t come. I did this for about 6-8 months. I knew it was a big ask and I soon found myself thinking about how unrighteous I was and of course He wouldn’t give this gift to me. There was too much of the natural man in me.

One day, the answer came, don’t worry little one, the day will come. But not yet.

The answer finally came after months of beating myself up and trying to be more righteous and as Satan continually showed me my flaws. It then became harder to be better because I was filled with disgust for my inability to be good.

It was during this time that I really worked hard at repentance and I’m so glad that I got to have this time to experience the Atonement at such a level.

I want to share some things I learned with you:

Repentance brings Joy. Every time.

Repentance is partaking of the Fruit of the Tree of Life

Repentance puts us there with Christ in Gethsemane and offers Him relief in his suffering.

Repentance can be as simple as turning away from the world and turning towards Him.

While the optimal outcome of repentance is to not do that sin or transgression again, it is not the expected outcome that He has for us.

Don’t let something like “never doing it again” keep you from turning to Him. Ask Him for the desire to stop. Ask Him for help and guidance stopping and turning away from the temptation to sin or transgress and turn towards Him instead.

Each time we repent, He makes our spirits stronger.

Repentance gives us the strength to see a more joyful and meaningful way in our lives than the sin we previously desired.

Repentance is thinking celestial.

Repentance will give us confidence before God.

Repentance brings the Light of Christ back into full strength in our lives.

Daily repentance is a game changer. It’s the biggest gift we can choose to accept from Him. If we use this gift daily, we don’t have to worry about being patient with ourselves as much, because we can see how God the Father, and our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ understand how hard this world is to live in and stay clean.

Repentance makes patience become more natural to our character.

This was the plan all along. The Atonement was the crucial part. Jesus completed His part. Heaven celebrated. We were there. Now, we are here. Will we do the things we agreed to do while in this life on earth?

It is up to us to remember that there is a plan and to use the tool of repentance to get through this life. Heaven is desperately hoping that we have the eyes to see this truth. This is the final round. Things are getting intense. Satan knows his time is ending. Daily repentance, scripture study, prayer, church attendance, actively keeping our covenants, and temple worship are crucial at this moment in time.

Let’s quickly discuss having patience as we endure our wilderness place:

Jesus went to the wilderness, Satan tempted him, and when He dismissed Satan, His ministry began.

Moses and the Israelites were in the wilderness. For a really long time… longer than it should have lasted… Most of them died before being able to see the Promised Land. There is a possibility that you will not see your promised land in this life. I don’t know about you, but I want to see my promised land. I want to experience it every day as I learn to have patience with myself, others, and my experiences in this life.

Nephi and his family were in the wilderness. The circumstances they found themselves in built testimonies, and due to agency and the influence of Satan testimonies some of those testimonies were not built upon strong enough foundations. The wilderness place is hard. It is meant to be. What does the foundation of your testimony look like?

At some point in our lives, we will be in a wilderness place too.

One night I was dreaming about sharing the gospel with the missionaries. There was a really important moment when the strongest testimony from the experienced missionary would have been helpful, but instead, it was an opportunity to hear from the newest and least practiced missionary. The result was a very beautiful and strong testimony amplified by the Spirit. God used this dream to remind me that if we always used the most experienced and seasoned person, where would the progression come for everyone else?

Remember: God can always choose the seasoned warrior, but He sends the shepherd boy to meet the Goliath.

These are the opportunities that make us step into who we are destined to become.

Don’t let Satan overwhelm you in those moments, because he will do his best to prevent you from becoming who he knows you are. He will inundate you with thoughts of insecurities, doubts, confusion, and distractions.

Remember who you are and who God intends for you to realize that you are in this life.

A child of God. A child of the covenant. A disciple of Christ. A son or daughter of God with Divine Nature and Individual worth.

Fight Satan’s attacks with virtue garnishing your thoughts as you turn to the Lord and you will always come out successful.

I had the privilege of Fostering a young and pregnant 14 yr old girl (I will call her “Beth”). Within 24 hours, she went into labor and had her baby. This child of God, whom I just met, asked me to stay in the labor and delivery room with her while her son was born. It was the most sacred experience to be there while she labored to bring him into the world. I will never forget the love I felt for this young woman and God’s love that I was blessed to feel for her.

During our time together, I often thought of Mary. A young virgin, recently betrothed and almost the same age as “Beth”. Mary was told that she would be the mother of the Savior of the World. Yet, he would not be Jospeh’s biological child. He would be the literal son of God.

I cannot imagine the things that must have gone through Mary’s mind during this time.

This would be the first of many hard things she would be asked and told to do. Leave all she knows and live in Egypt. Raise the son of God with only Joseph for a confidant in knowing the true nature of His divine identity.

Jesus wasn’t her only child. She had many duties and responsibilities as a mother and wife. Yet, she did her best and was constantly reminded of who she was the mother to.

We often think of Mary as virtuous and obedient, but I wonder, did she have doubts? Did she think that she had imagined the entire miraculous and divine experience as the busy-ness of life went along?

She was met with the inconvenient timing of giving birth to the son of God. I imagine her pains as her body was having contractions while Joseph desperately tried to find lodging. They were finally given the option of staying in a lowly stable and I can imagine Joseph rushing to clean before the arrival of the Messiah.

I can only imagine that through all of these situations, Mary learned to have no expectations except for deliverance from evil. Don’t expect to live in wealth. Don’t expect to be able to tell your friends all things. Don’t expect that life will be easy. But KNOWING the entire time, that she was highly favored of the Lord and that she was trusted with the raising of the Son of God.

I want to close with an experience that happened on our church history trip we took last month.

I spent easily over 100 hours preparing this trip. Food, lodging, the route of travel, and entertainment.

This would be a 15-day trip. That is a long time for any family, but we have never done anything like this before. We are short of patience with each other in our own space, and now we are shrinking that down to the Magic Marker Bus and transitioning to a different place to sleep each night.

While people talked about how much fun we would have, I decided to have realistic expectations and plan for the not fun moments but be excited for the amazing moments.

I am happy to say that we did way better than I expected.

On the hardest day, I had miscalculated the travel time estimation for our final destination of that day. When we should have gotten there around dinner time, we realized that we wouldn’t get there until about 9pm.

Okay… No problem… we had an Atlas just for situations like this, and we got to work figuring out where to eat even thought we were in the middle-of-nowhere Wyoming and it wasn’t looking good. After 45 minutes of looking, I found a mercantile shop that sold food. That was our dinner. Then we traveled on, dodging wild dogs, mule deer, and at one point, even a large moose. There was absolutely no light after the sun set other than our headlights which made the moose encounter even more scary.

For me, the most difficult part was when my little one started to get uncomfortable. It was at this point that I began to question whether I had pushed the bounds and limitations of our family’s ability to endure 15 hard travel days.

My little one had made it clear that she needed to stretch out more and I didn’t feel safe unbuckling her or myself due to the utter darkness and many animals that we had almost hit on the road that evening. All of the doubts began to flood my mind. The selfishness of wanting to do this when maybe the kids aren’t ready. On and on, my mind was bombarded with thoughts of doubt, grief, and heaviness. Satan is good at what he does, and he waits for those opportunities to pounce.

Suddenly, my feisty one yelled out in excitement, “A Temple!” I almost didn’t believe her. But sure enough, a brilliant light, shone in the darkness, one that was clearly recognizable as the Temple- A House of the Lord.

That. That was my tender mercy. In fact, let me tell you more.

As I was planning this trip, I was trying to schedule as many temple appointments as possible along our route. I did in fact know that there was a temple in Wyoming, but as it was closed for renovations, I did not plan to make an effort to visit it. I didn’t even try to include it in our travels.

The Star Valley, Wyoming temple happened to be just a few blocks from our hotel that night. God knew, that the one time I would be overcome with heaviness and literal darkness on this trip that I would see, notice and appreciate His light. I instantly felt His love fill my heart. I was filled with hope and the understanding in real time, that He has a plan, and it is more beautiful and perfect than we can understand. No matter the plans we make, His plan weaves into ours.

My dear brothers and sisters, a lot has happened in the last month. Heavy stuff. I just want to plead with you to be patient. With yourself, with others, with God, and with your circumstance. He has a plan. Sometimes we need to be in a wilderness place. To be proved. We are meant to learn here a little, there a little; line upon line. He has not abandoned you. Commit today to take action in your patience of waiting and enduring; turn to Him in a more intentional way, and I promise that your connection with Him will become stronger. Like an Iron Rod that will lead you to the most amazing fruits of this life.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.