I discovered a new artist. Her name is Paige Payne and she is that artist that painted the image above. The funny thing is, I came across her art about a month ago. I loved her art so much I wanted to buy one of the pieces but I just couldn’t decide which one. I left her website open on my browser for the entire month just so I wouldn’t forget her name and I hoped for the time to peruse through her art and find the piece that really spoke to me.

I really kind of forgot about this until right now. Funny how God shows you the ways He has been holding that space for you even before your struggle begins. Such a powerful and humbling realization.

These last couple of weeks have been so hard for me mentally and emotionally. I have felt as though I could barely keep my head above water with appointments, challenges the kids are going through, and some new health challenges of my own. When I get overwhelmed, a good cry and some extra sleep is usually all I need to help refresh myself and get back to doing all that I do.

This time, the tears wouldn’t come and the extra sleep wasn’t enough. The overwhelm was so great that I couldn’t find the relief that I needed. All of the spiritual outlets that I love to turn to during trying times didn’t help me in the way that I wanted. I felt like I was becoming numb to everything that brough me joy previously and I know that is a dangerous place to be. My past-self made terrible choices when I had been in that numb place.

My relief from numbness finally came in a way that I wasn’t expecting and it came in the form of the lovely ugly cry sobbing where snot is dripping down your red and puffy face. So Beautiful. As soon as the tears finally released, I was so excited and hoped that I would finally be ok. I soon realized that this would only be the first of many crying sessions over the next few days.

I thought that I had finally gotten the cry that I needed to have except this time, the tears wouldn’t end. I finally realized that I was reliving some past traumatic experiences and I needed to reach out to work with a therapist again to work through these memories and feelings.

Once that plan was made and I began taking the steps to get to work on that plan, my heaviness lightened so much. I spent two hours talking with my parents on the phone and just telling them everything that had been weighing me down. They gave great counsel with love and patience to me. The next day, I began making the phone calls and talking through my plan with someone that can help me make the plan come to fruition.

I definitely feel lighter now, but the relief is not complete. There is still work to be done. I am celebrating the little things each day. I am giving myself the grace that I need to get through the day and not pushing myself too hard. The house is messier than I would like. Laundry sat on my floor for several days before I was able to get it put away. I am usually a powerhouse that is on top of most clutter. I didn’t realize how long I’d been in survival mode.

Now that I am more aware of the needs I had been neglecting in myself, I am able to give myself the grace and mercy that I truly needed. I got a shower the other day. It was wonderful. Yesterday, I talked with a friend and leader in my church. She is amazing and I am so grateful for her. She helped me in such a loving and understanding way and I truly felt her love and the love of my Savior during our conversation.

During this time, I have really paid attention to how spiritually numb I have felt with all of these things going on. I have heard amazing messages that I knew were meant for me to hear. But the mists of darkness were so thick, I couldn’t feel them.

My last post I talked about empathy for those that are having doubts about the miracles of Jesus. I forgot how easy it is to have those doubts when you feel like this. How many of my friends are feeling this complete and utter numbness to things of the spirit? How many of them have given up?

Recently the Sister Missionaries came over and showed us a video that was made from a talk given by President Jeffrey R. Holland. I remember coming across this video about six months ago and sending it to a friend that was going through a hard time. I knew that Heavenly Father had inspired the Sister Missionaries to share this video that night so that I could remember how much love I felt when he inspired me to send it to my friend. I wished I could feel that love again, but knowing was enough and I was able to keep it and ponder it in my heart.

Two weekends ago, I was able to take my three oldest kiddos to hear Elder Gary E. Stevenson speak. He spoke about a time he was lost in the wilderness as it was getting dark and had the thought to get to a higher vantage point so that he could see the campfire. When he did this, he was able to reorient himself and find his way back to the safety of camp.

I loved this message to the youth. To me, it taught us that instead of letting ourselves fall lower with our struggles, we are told to climb ever higher, to work that much harder to find the light. Jesus Christ is the light. He will guide us home. Are we looking for Him?

I recognized this effort in my thoughts through the last few weeks. I remembered how I had been before I became a disciple of Jesus Christ. It felt dark, lonely, and numb most of the time. I do not want to experience that again. I would think of this often when I was feeling that way, and I would look to the music, talks, and people that always brought light to me. I might have been in a numb place, but there was nothing that could give me the light I needed elsewhere.

Now I want to speak directly to those that cannot seem to feel or see the light. It is a real thing.  It is so hard to experience.  It felt so much easier to give up and to give in to the depression and sadness that surrounded me. But I also knew that it was temporary, and what I was feeling was not of God. I knew that I needed to keep moving forward, but at the same time, it felt impossible.

So, I gave myself grace and mercy. I decided that for whatever reason, I needed to feel the grief and mourning and let myself have that time. But I would not live there. What does that look like?

Letting myself be in a messy and cluttered house. This is really hard for me and sometimes I feel more depressed when that is the case. It helped that I felt numb, so it didn’t bother me as much as it would have usually.

I let myself not have a shower each day. When I am depressed, I make myself take a shower as it gets my body moving and helps me to be productive. This time, even though I wasn’t showering, I noticed the other ways that I was productive and this gave me the grace to understand that while I was sad and grieving, I could still be productive and if I didn’t shower that day, it didn’t mean that I had failed.

I celebrated all of the little wins in my heart. The were seriously small things, like I didn’t say the unkind thing I was thinking, or I made chia pudding today. It was seriously really silly stuff now that I think about it, but in that moment, it was the whole world to know that I was making efforts to show up in a way that I didn’t feel like showing up.

One day was a long day of mediating between kids that were having big emotions. I realized that afternoon that it had taken everything I had to do that. I gave myself permission to take a nap and the kids let me.

We ate out a lot that week. I gave myself permission to not stress about dinner. My husband was also in a place where he was exhausted and we gave ourselves permission to eat out more than we should have, honestly.

These are just a few of the things that helped me to feel grace for where I was at. I’m not telling you that you have to do these things, and I hope you read this with the understanding that I was fighting my hardest to not give in fully to the depression and grief. I didn’t want to expend all of my energy on trying to look okay, that just puts me into survival mode and eventual burn out. I was at burn out level already. I needed to try something different and this worked for me.

I know that you are going through a rough time. “Don’t you give up! You keep going! There are better times ahead.” Just like I couldn’t feel Heaven while I was going through this time, I was able to see and understand that it was there the entire time. I know Heaven celebrated each of my tiny wins with me. And for every time I couldn’t have a win, Heaven was close around me even though I couldn’t sense it.

Dear friend, I hope this image above speaks to your heart. When you get a chance, go visit her website. There is such beautiful art that makes my soul happy to gaze upon. I hope that it brings you some joy during your time of struggle.

Remember John 16:33

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

Because He overcame the world, we can too—with Him. He loves you. He is in “relentless pursuit of you”. Look to the light.