After the pandemic, we slowly came back to church. The pews were much emptier than before. I thought it was because people were still being cautious. I soon found out that wasn’t the case. I realized that people had begun to lose their testimony. They didn’t believe anymore. They had lost their desire to attend church.

I was so saddened to realize this. Sad because I had stopped going to church in my late teen/young adult years. I focused more on the hypocritical nature of those around me at church. I used it as a reason to stop going. Satan had me in his clutches. It was easy to feed me things that became my reason to stop going.

Of course, I wasn’t acknowledging my own flaws and shortcomings. My own actions that made me feel uncomfortable to sit in church. It was easier to make it about everyone else. Let them be the reason I stopped going.

My heart hurts for those that have stopped coming to church because, even though I don’t know or understand the reasons they aren’t there anymore, I know the heaviness and emptiness they feel deep down inside their soul. I have felt it too. I do not wish to feel it ever again.

When I came back to church, I had an amazing experience that helped me to know that the gospel is true, and I needed to come back. It was so powerful that I threw every effort into preparing myself for this blessing. Over the weeks to come, my parents were astonished at the growth they saw in me. I could tell that they were quietly excited but nervous to see if this would be a fleeting desire.

My desire was so complete that nothing kept me from acheiving this goal. I repented with the help and guidance of my Bishop. I asked to receive my patriarchal blessing, which is a blessing that is given only through proper priesthood authority. It is a blessing with guidance, warnings, and promises given to us from our Heavenly Father. It is our own personal scripture straight to us from God.

I remember fasting the Sunday that I got my blessing. I asked for something very specific and personal in my fasting prayer. I thought that I had gotten my answer already. My parents took me to the Patriarch’s house, a man I had never met before. He was there with his wife, and they were both very kind. As soon as he started the blessing, he answered my very personal prayer to Heavenly Father that morning. This was something that he could not know about me. I was stunned.

The blessing went on to say some amazing things about my husband and children. When we got back to the car, my parents discussed with me the things that stuck out to them. They had gone through five blessings before, their own and my four brothers before me. I was surprised at their interest in my blessing.

After this, I began to prepare myself to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I asked for special permission to go to the temple earlier than usually allowed. At this time, it wasn’t typical for young women to go to the temple unless they had put in mission papers, or they were getting sealed in the temple.

Being sealed in the temple is an ordinance and covenant made in a temple when getting married and sealed there. It seals the marriage in heaven and on earth with priesthood power and authority for time and all eternity. Not until death do you part.

I had an amazing experience where there was special permission given to let me go to the temple earlier than typically allowed. I didn’t realize at the time just how unique this was.

The day I went to the temple, it was just me and my parents. I am so glad that it was just us. I was able to soak up as much as I possibly could, and it was all amazing. I trusted in Him to help me understand in time what I could not understand in just one time of attending the temple. The Spirit in the Temple is strong and special. It is a feeling of great peace and love.

This was all the beginning of my foundation of the truth of the Gospel and faith in Jesus Christ. Not only that He is real, but that He is truly the Son of God. That He knows me personally and He wants me to seek Him. He is light and love.

Over the years, life happened, and my testimony was always sure in the truthfulness of the gospel. It was not always sure in myself. Of what decisions to make and what current mistakes I am making.

There was only one time I am aware of where I questioned what I had become to know so greatly. We had our son, and I felt impressed to try for another baby. Without praying about it, I decided the answer must be to use our frozen embryos and do IVF again. It had worked so perfectly first time; I didn’t even include God on this decision. I just took the nudge from Him to try for another child as this is how we have to do it.

We didn’t get pregnant. I was devastated. How could I have been so wrong? We didn’t have the money that we spent on IVF, but it didn’t seem like a problem when it would give us a child. It didn’t seem foolish until it didn’t give us a child.

My brain went into a negative spiral. This must be how it feels to gamble a large sum of money and lose it. How foolish I was. I began to beat myself up. In reality, Satan was helping that process, he was telling me all sorts of horrible things and I believed them all.

I began to question all of my answers to prayers, even as to if I married the right person. It was a difficult time. I felt so confused, frustrated, and hurt. I had stopped praying altogether because I was so stuck in my thoughts. I believed it was my fault that we were now several more thousand dollars in debt.

Over time, things progressed and now we have several special children. I have shared the story in a previous post.

I understand now that if I hadn’t done the IVF again, I wouldn’t have sought to become a foster parent. I thought that I had failed, but I hadn’t. I had just taken the first step on a long journey to find my children. By “failing”, I had succeeded in using faith to find my way.

If I hadn’t used faith to try, I wouldn’t have the blessings that I had prayed for so many years before. God was answering my prayers. I had to use faith to find what He was leading me to.

The blessings of this, were finding our children. Fostering children that needed a safe place to heal and loving them when they didn’t know what that felt like. Learning that answers don’t always come how we think they come, but they do come. Eventually, that financial debt was paid off, and it didn’t feel like a loss anymore. It felt like part of the journey.

These. These are all reasons why I choose to stay. Especially when things get hard, and they have gotten really hard. But this time, when things get hard, I turn to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know that the answers will come to me easier if I turn to Them and not withdraw from them.

I stay because of the Light. It is found with Them. I stay because of the peace of the temple. I stay because of the JOY the Gospel of Jesus Christ brings to my life. I can even experience Joy in my trials and circumstances.

The image I chose says, “Nobody said it was easy”. It isn’t easy to live the gospel in this world of distractions and temptations. If we truly understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance, it becomes easier. So easy in fact, that it doesn’t seem hard at all.

It will all be worth it in the end. This is know.