It makes me think of promises that were made in Heaven before we came down to earth. I am pretty sure that I promised each of my children that I would be their mother.

How much I struggled with finding a way to bring them to me and my husband. It was a long time. I longed for them deeply. My prayers felt unanswered. You know why? It wasn’t the right time yet. I know this now. It is easy for me to look back and see how things needed to happen first.

But still, my struggle needed to happen, because it gave me the desire to keep looking when things seemed impossible. I struggled so much because of a promise I made to them. This promise made in Heaven fueled my strong desire to continue finding my way forward every time I felt like giving up.

This promise (I couldn’t remember making) kept me going through my grief and anger and frustration. As I prayed for answers, I was given peace and told, the time will come. This kept me going.

When my children came, each experience was different. My son is my only biological child. I was able to carry him in my body and I am so grateful for that experience. Every uncomfortable moment, the braxton hicks contractions, the feeling of carrying a baseball, then basketball in my abdomen, the stretching of my skin, the great fatigue, the labor and delivery, the change from carrying something for 9 months in my body to having my body try to put itself back together.

My first daughter. She was the first adopted daughter. Sometimes it is confusing for her because she is not the oldest girl. But she was my first girl. She is special to me in ways that I cannot express with words. Only in my heart. She and I went through a lot together making sure that she was thriving and healthy. There were a few health scares along the way. I remember that the first year of her life, she was worn by me in a baby carrier close to my body or I sat on the couch, and she would be snuggled up tightly and just stare at my face. I was her world. Her protector.

My second daughter’s story is a little different. We knew that she was coming. Close to the due date, her biological mother went missing. No one knew what happened to her. We didn’t know if the baby had been born or if she would really find her way to us. I somehow knew. Even through my worries and stresses. The day we got the phone call, I had the flu. My husband went to get her, and she spent the first two days with our family separated from me and my husband got up every two hours to tend to her needs. They got to bond first. This was special for them.

My third daughter was a complete surprise. We were traveling home from a family vacation and stopped to spend the weekend with some friends. Not long after we got there, we got a call from the DSS worker. Another sister was just born. Do we want to foster her? We were about to drive home that moment. Instead, we were told to wait. The jurisdiction had changed from one DSS to another. They had to ask us first before letting the other DSS know.

We prayed and said yes. Hours later we were told that the DSS that had the jurisdiction wanted to let biological mom take the baby home from the hospital. Instead of being upset, I knew that the baby would come to us within the week. We left our friends earlier than planned and drove home so that I could prepare. Less than a week later, she came to us. Our bond with her was immediate.

My oldest daughter’s story is a little bit more complex. I mentioned in A Time to Prepare that I had a teenager and eventually I became the mother to her sister. I struggled with this for a long time. I had prepared my mind and heart to be the mother of this teenager. When things changed in an unexpected and abrupt way, my world seemed to have been turned upside down.

I was in the process of bonding with my now oldest daughter, but with the grief I was feeling, I was stunted in this process. I had let myself go numb to lessen the hurt I was feeling.

It wasn’t until my oldest was baptized that I got the strong and undeniable confirmation that she was meant to be my daughter. I was holding the towel for her after the baptism. As she came up out of the water, I felt this incredible and overwhelming feeling of love for her. Tears came to my eyes. Heavenly Father was confirming to me that I was indeed supposed to be her mother.

I’m so grateful that we are all together. I don’t feel as if there are any missing pieces to be found as far as our immediate family. But there are pieces that I feel are missing. What could that be?

I am pretty sure that those missing pieces are my brothers and sisters in Heaven. Promises that I made to others, not to be their mother, but to find them on earth somehow. Are you one of those brothers and sisters? Is this how I find you? Through this blog. Maybe I promised to bring the light to you. I don’t really know. I do know this; I am gladly and lovingly honoring that promise to you as I write these posts. Keep reading. They are meant for you.