When I was a teenager, Austyn and I were over at another friend’s house. I don’t remember why, but we decided to walk home. I don’t know if there was a fight between us and the other friends there or what. We didn’t live close by to this house. It was miles away and we lived in a desert climate. Big hills needed to be traversed to get home. We were so foolish.

Not long after leaving we realized just how big of a feat this would be. I think our pride kept us from turning back to use the phone to ask someone to come get us.

We thought maybe cutting through the desert would be faster instead of walking along the sidewalks and roads. It wasn’t many steps up that rocky hillside when my friend ran right into a rattlesnake. Luckily, she saw it well before there was any danger, but this just confirmed to us that we should stay out of the desert and stick to the safer paths.

Thinking about it now, and all of the things that could’ve happened in that desert that two naive teenagers wouldn’t think about when they were stuck in pride, I’m so glad for that rattlesnake. It kept us from making a dumb decision become a dangerous decision.

After walking with each other for over a mile up hill, we came to the point where we needed to go our separate ways. I remember the fear we both had in our eyes when we realized that the rest of the trip home would be traveled by ourselves. We said goodbye and we bravely walked in the opposite direction of our homes.

Hours later, I walked into my house and went straight to my bed. I slept until the next day. I. Was. Exhausted. My friend made it home safely as well. And a call was made to let me know that she was safely home. I know angels were protecting each of us that day.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about being in a wilderness place. This is a phrase that I recently came across and it speaks to my soul. Google says that being in a “wilderness place” refers to a period of hardship, isolation, and uncertainty. It can be a time of testing, refinement, and spiritual growth, but also one of loneliness and difficulty. This “wilderness” can reveal a dependence on God and lead to a deeper understanding of His character and provision.

I had a recent experience a while back where I was in a “wilderness place” for about two months. At one point during that time, I was praying to know if there was something I needed to repent for that I was missing, or if I just needed to be more righteous. It seemed as if Heaven was silent and I couldn’t figure out what was happening. I felt so alone.

At one point, I was laying in bed and wondering what I could do more that would bring the Spirit rushing back into my presence. A thought came to me that I was in a “wilderness place” and it was just a matter of time before things would be set back as before. This was an answer that I did not expect to receive. It wasn’t a quick fix. Instead, it was a “hold on a little longer”.

I wondered how I could keep going like this for this undetermined amount of time. What did a little longer mean exactly? And how do I hold on? Is there something else that I should be doing?

Silence. It was completely up to me to decide how I was going to endure the remainder of this time in my wilderness. I wish that I could say that I did it beautifully. But I didn’t. At that realization, I became disappointed in myself for not enduring well.

When Heaven finally returned to me, I apologized for not enduring well. And you know what I received? I was given the most beautiful insight. God showed me every moment that I endured well. And it was way more than I assumed that it was.

He showed me that I was reading my scriptures every day. I was filling my social media feed with light about Jesus Christ. I was giving myself grace to just spend time on the couch. I was kinder to my family than I felt that I had been. I was praying more than I thought I did, and repenting more than I previously was. He showed me where my heart and desires were.

He also showed me what I would have been doing a few years ago to endure hardship. A few years ago, I would have just binge watched something meaningless which would have fed my soul nothing. I would have felt emptier because of it. It would not have brought the Spirit back into my life and instead kept it from being able to return. Bitterness would replace hope and faith.

However, this time, even though I was tempted to do just that, I watched almost nothing. Instead, I spent time in the scriptures and other holy places searching for knowledge and light. I continued to go to the temple each week even though it didn’t feel quite the same as it had previously. It was still very important to me to be there. I still felt peace and love, just not at the same level as before.

You know what the most wonderful part of this understanding He gave me was? It was the love and pride I felt from my Father in Heaven as He showed me these things.

We are our hardest critics. Sometimes it feels as if the God in the scriptures is hard to please. But you have to read it in the context of the situations to understand that His anger and frustration was actually justified.

I think about Moses and the Israelites all the time. They were freed from captivity and led into a wilderness. God was literally with them the entire time and in a way that they could see Him each day. Yet, they complained to Moses constantly. They didn’t come to God with a willing and contrite heart to do His will, they frequently murmured and demanded more from Him as they went about living however they pleased until they were called to repentance.

We might not see God’s presence like the Israelites did, but that doesn’t mean He isn’t here with us. And maybe if His presence was more recognizable to us, we would demand more things of Him instead of first leading with the faith to believe that He is there and putting that faith into the action that leads to Connection with Him.

If you are in a wilderness place, just remember so was Jesus. After His baptism, He went into the desert wilderness and fasted. He was then tempted by Satan. He was alone and even He experienced that wilderness place.

When it feels like Heaven is silent in your wilderness place, do not think it is because They are gone and have left you alone. They are still there. This is the time for you to really put your faith to action and endure until it is over. They will not intervene. This is your time to shine.

Remember, we receive line upon line. If you want to receive further light and knowledge, you have to be in a place to receive it. If when the “wilderness place” comes and we decide that God doesn’t care about us and we fall back into old habits that we worked hard to be rid of for Him, we won’t be ready for further light and knowledge. And the more that we turn away from Him, the further we will be from His light.

I have done this exact thing enough times to know this personally. It is never worth it. Don’t binge watch the show that you know will take the Spirit out of your presence. The world we live in now is almost impossible to find God’s light without the Spirit there to direct us. Keep living the standards that you have worked hard to put into place. The reward will come.

“…Well done thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of the lord.” (Matthew 25:21 KJV)

Prepare for your “wilderness place”. It really helped me to know that was what I was experiencing. It helped me to get grounded on Jesus Christ and to prepare to wait with Him. Knowing and recognizing that you are in a wilderness place is a game changer. Instead of thinking God left you, realize that this is Him checking in to see if you are ready to “level up”.

While it was happening, those two months felt never-ending.  But now, I realized that those two months flew by. And this was such a small amount of time compared to those that have other “wilderness places” that are lifelong.

If that happens to be your situation, I am in awe of you. He loves you. He is proud of your efforts. While they might seem small and insignificant, they are greater than you realize. Pray and ask Him if you don’t believe me. Ask Him to show you how you are doing. He is kinder and more merciful that you think. Go feel of His love today. It will change your perspective.